Un Certain Sourire

A certain smile,

a certain face

Can lead an unsuspecting heart on a merry chase

A fleeting glance can say so many lovely things

Suddenly you know why my heart sings…

Like many old love songs, I like this one. It speaks of the wonder of love at first sight.

Love at first sight. I don't subscribe to the idea that "love" can be felt instantly. Studies show that the mind can fool us into thinking that we feel "love".

What is love anyway? How do we recognize that it is "love" that we feel? Our hearts beat fast, breath shorter, we feel warm inside from the pit of our stomach to our cheeks, our eyes soften involuntarily, and we run out of words everytime we encounter the object of our affection, whether physically or by mental activity. Our minds record this surge of biochemical reaction and search for existing definitions in our memory bank. When our socially learned semantics surface, our mind associates these physical activities with that definition. And then we call it "love".

Unfortunately, our minds are often in a hurry to organize our thoughts. It cannot bear mysteries for long periods or accommodate dissonance with existing beliefs and values. Hence, it closes in on the nearest available definition it can recognize; one that seems consistent with our previous experiences. So at the first onset of fast heartbeat, it chooses from: hate, anger, fear, and other excitable feelings previously defined in its bank. Our instinct is to survive, to protect ourselves. Therefore, our minds immediately eliminate threats or come up with a quick practical response to shield ourselves.

If it's none of the negative emotions, it chooses the positive categories: liking, love, fondness. And oh, what can be a better choice than love! Imagine the hope it brings you- that you can keep this feeling for a prolonged period and that you are able to make the object feel the same.

The confusing part is this: don't our bodies also react similarly when we recognize a familiar element in this object? Or even when we are faced with an unfamiliar stimulus? When the object reminds us of a similar object, when the situation resembles a familiar scene, whether pleasurable or not, our bodies quickly manifest responses beyond our conscious control.

Our minds do not rest until it comes up with the nearest possible definition. Yes, it is not always the mind that knows firsthand. We are animals, and under normal dispositions we are perfectly equipped with all the physical detectors we need to survive in our environment. And this includes an efficient facility to process and organize our thoughts; efficient, but not necessarily effective in all cases. Our individual cognitive capacities differentiate our running logic, but there exists still logic for each.

But of course this is just an objective evaluation of love. Who cares about how our feelings are processed? Or how our feelings are fooled by our very own minds? We want to feel. We strive to feel. To love, be loved, fall in love, with just a certain smile...

Facebook

Sumawsaw ako sa napakaraming socializing tools ng web- Friendster, Hi5, Multiply, LinkedIn. Lahat gawa ng kabubuyo ng aking so-called friends.

Si Charing pwersahan akong pina-join sa Friendster. Magchi-chingching daw sya kapag hindi ako nagregister. Ayun, to this day pangalan ko pa lang ang nilagay ko dun at sya lang ang kaisa-isang friend ko. Hindi ko na maalala ang password ko.

Si Kiel chumika ng Hi5 when he was still in the far away land of SA. We had a few exchanges. Yun lang ang naaalala ko at ang picture nya.

Dahil kay Manong R, napapasok ako sa Multiply. May blogs daw kasi sya doon. At nun ko na-discover na may account daw ako sa Multiply. Kung kelan ko napasok yun ma, at lalong ma kung anong password ko. Baka napaindot ko lang yun sometime ago habang nag-sleepwalk ako.

Gawa naman ni Wendy, naligaw ako sa Linkedin. Quite frankly, nabighani ako sa ideya. Sa isip ko, for once naman medyo seryoso- professional ang dating so may I write naman ako ng aking track record. May kumontak na ba sa akin? Wa. Kung meron man baka nabura ko sa pag-aakalang spam sya.

Opkors marami din akong egroups, na eventually ay dini-delete ko lang dahil puro forwarded messages na supposedly nakakaiyak, nakakatawa, nakakatakot, o nakakadasal ang laman. Kung meron mang naging useful sa kanila, yun e yung mga egroups sa mga academic courses. Pagkatapos ng isang sem, keber ko na.

Itong blog na ito, bunga rin ng pambubuyo ni Kiel na binuyo din ni G [o nasan na kaya sya ngayon?]. Well, very timely naman ang pausong ito. Kahit naghihingalo na ang pagsusulat ko, truly lagi kong iniisip na kelangan ko ng entry kasi para sa akin ito. At one point na-addict pa nga ako at nanganak pa ito ng dalawa pang sites… na ngayon e parehong umaalog din. Pero keber, uusad din yan, hindi naman ako nakikipagpaligsahan sa ratings.

And then the Facebook came about, or let’s just say I finally heard about the Facebook from who else but Kiel and G.

Fascinating ang tool na ito: kusang nagkakalaman! At akalain mong ang mga taong hindi ko na maalala e biglang sumusulpot? Dahil “evil” ako gaya nang paulit-ulit na sinasabi ni Kiel, umpisahan ko sa mga major irita:

1. Mga “kaibigan” na nagbabago ng apelyido – Ba’t ba tong mga girlash na ‘to e parang na-aamnesia at biglang nakakalimutan ang apelyido ng tatay nila?! Sa dami ba naman ng Eileen, Maryanne, at Annie, e kakabitan pa nila ng mga apelyidong sa movie credits ko lang nakikita!

2. “kaibigan” na nagpalit na ng apelyido e naglalagay pa ng picture ng anak o ng artista – Aber, sino kaya itong baby na nasa ID photo? O itong si Josh Harnet at Aga Muhlach na hindi ko matandaan kung naka-date ko ba once upon a time? May kakambal tong mga ganito e- yung mga naglalagay ng picture na ga-langgam sila sa isang panoramic picture, akala ata e may magnifying lens akong katabi.

3. Mga friends na walang magawa at tuwing mag-oonline ako e nagyayayang maglaro ng poker o kung anong games – Lord, Solitaire lang ang nilalaro ko sa computer! At sa tagal ba namang di kami chumika e gugustuhin ko pang makipaglaro ng Travian?

4. Mga alien na humihirit ng “remember me” – Ok sana kung may laman ang profile para ma-remember ko nga. Mas ok kung ang hitsura nila e hindi nagbago from 20 years ago.

Gusto ko sana mas marami pa akong malalait sa Facebook, kasi nga evil ako. Pero heto naman ang mga labs ko:

1. Mga surprise friends – mga taong feeling ko e hindi ko naman close dati o hindi naman ako pinapansin dati pero biglang feeling BFF na.

2. Mga lumang litrato – ang mga mukhang gago pero nakalimutan nang larawan from a long long time ago. Tuwing may ganito, parang bumabalik ako sa moment nung nagbibilang ang photographer ng “1, 2, 3, cheese!”

3. Mga taong binansagan ko – ang mga true name nila o bago alyas ay nakapaskil pero pag nag-iwan ng note sa akin sasabihin nilang “uy, si Jopis ito”. Di ba heart-warming?

4. Mga bukingan – yun bang mafi-feel mong kahit mukha kang ngokngok dati e like ka pala nila, o kaya inaantabayanan pala ang blog mo.

[Para fair, apat-apat na lang]

Nitong kelan lang may pumasok sa listahan ko, isang kaibigan ng kaibigan ng kaibigan ko. In short, hindi ko ka-close (pero nasa photo album ko nung hayskul ang solo picture nya). Uy, hindi ko sya crush- pramis. Pero darling sya ng bayan; makapal kasi ang mukha nya. Pero ok lang kasi gwapo naman sya, at disimulado. Itinuro nya sa akin ang egroups kung nasan daw ang ‘dabarkads’. Ngek, hindi ko naman sila dabarkads hello. Pero syempre join naman ako, at aliw-iw ang lola nyo dahil andun nga “sila”.

Dissecting Time

I was inspired by Kiel, attempting to claim that happiness resides in simple things.

I posit that happiness is a variable dependent on time- time to be happy, time to do the things that make you happy, time to acquire things that make you happy. This makes time an important element in being happy. And therefore, control over time is a key to happiness.

What is time? Let me simplify that by dissecting simpler units of time- a day, a week, a month, a year.

A day, my day, starts with toilet chores at mostly 7:00. Five minutes to pee, wash my face, and gargle. Five minutes to wash my hair. Thirty minutes for a full breakfast with CNN and chat with the partner. Fifteen minutes to smoke and figure out the day that lies ahead. Five minutes to wash my body, ten to dry my hair, five to dress up, and another five to setup my bag. If I’m lucky, and that means no unexpected phone calls or unplanned domestic duties I’ll have to deal with, I’m on a cab by 8:30 and in the office by 9:00 (mostly).

In the office, I would generally spend 30 minutes smoking with friends, 15 minutes browsing the web for personal gains, 15 minutes texting and chatting, one and a half hours having lunch and snack breaks, 4 hour doing serious writing, an hour attending meetings with a good laugh (or not), 2 hours going around talking to people and settling some admin matters, and another hour “performing other duties as may be assigned by the super”. Generally, the day’s work may not be finished but I will call it a day.

Recently, I’d be home by 8:00. Dinner at 9:00, TV until 11:30, and some crazy stuff until 1:00. Or not.

I’d be at a mall or some resto bar until 11:00 or 12:00 and home by maybe 1:00. Or not.

I’d be in a spa from 7:00 until 12:00. Or not.

I’d be writing again ‘til 12:00 or 1:00. Or not.

I’d be home by 10:00 from somewhere, silence until 1:30, and at war until 3:30.

On a weekend, I can be doing chores all Saturday morning and writing while watching Foxcrime or AXN all afternoon or spending time with a friend in some fun activity. And, reading or writing again (or watching HBO or Star Movies) until midnight. And stuff, until around 2:00. Or I’d spend an entire afternoon entertaining some guests. If I’m lucky, there won’t be another set of guests for the evening, which could also run until around 2:00. On a Sunday, I’d spend an hour conditioning my hair and scrubbing my feet, two hours having my nails done and watching CSIs, maybe 3 hours at the mall or prepping for the week ahead, and possibly 3 hours chatting with the partner or someone at the phone.

In a month, I’d have done some serious work, some socializing (online and face-to-face), shopped, beautified myself, and ran into some serious life-changing conflict. The proportions, of course, vary. In a year, with all holidays (and not so holy days), I’d have spent roughly 20% of my time for social life, 10% for myself, and 70% on work.

Happiness gauge:

85% happy with my social life = This would include, in order of significance, maintaining family and old friends, making new ones, throwing away bad ones, and having good and bad fights.

70% happy with my personal time = This would account for physical maintenance (attempts to be beautiful and getting to eat all that I crave for, watching for pleasure or for education, as well as deprived sleep and some stuff), mental disorientation, emotional roller coasters, and simply wanting for more.

90% happy with my work = This consists mostly of my satisfaction with what I’ve delivered, my confidence (or wishful thinking) that my clients are contented (and they will call me again) against actual result that they do call me again, and the negative events in the process (and sometimes even after) that I had to deal with.

And this evaluation, naturally, is based on memory of most recent experiences. It may have been different in 1997 or ten years from now.

On estimate, I was generally a happy child (trauma-free, carefree) and a happy adult (no major disasters, and I cope with the rest). Why? I get to do this and that, here and there, when possible. A few laughs, some tears, a little fear, a good amount of fury.

We shape our own perception of happiness. We remember our sense of happiness based on moments that stand out amidst the chaos in our everyday life. Whether it’s in the shoes we wear or the earth we walk on (or the shoes we wear vs. what shoes other people wear), we can always say “I’m happy, just because”.

Hopefully, we become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Or not.

A Perfect Day

Makulimlim, parang alas-singko ng hapon. Naririnig ko ang tunog ng ulan pag tumatama sa yero at sa simento. Hindi kasintamis ng tunog nya kapag pumapatak sa mga dahon.

Maraming dahon sa may bintana ng kwarto ko. Halos humalik na kasi ang punong mangga ng kapitbahay namin. Mga tatlong taon na nakakaraan, naalala ko, katabi ko ang dalawang bata sa bintanang ito. Binibilang namin kung ilang uri ng gagamba ang makikita sa punong ito. Matutuwa ka naman talaga, ang dami at ang gaganda nila! (Read: Hindi ko na tanda ang bilang, mahina ko sa Math e).

Dapat bumangon na pero nakakatamad- ang daming labada at ang dumi ng bahay. Medyo nangangamoy Honey na ata dito kaya kelangan maglinis. Shih poo si Honey. At ngayon naalala ko, baka gutom na sya. Yung labada? Hmmm… kelangan pag-isipan, kasi nga umuulan.

Dapat damputin ko na yung cellphone ko at sumagot sa mga text (kung meron). Patingin. Wala. Ibig sabihin siguro masaya naman lahat kagabi. O pwedeng tulog pa ang mga bampira.

Pag paling ko sa kaliwa, naamoy ko na naman ang bad breath ni JS at tinamaan ng paa ko ang malamig nyang binti. Pati braso malamig. Hindi naman sya bangkay. Buhay pa naman sya (siguro/sana). Hinila ko ang kumot para balutin kaming dalawa, tapos dinantayan ko na sya. Eto ang masarap e, yung may katabi kang laman na hindi pa nangunguluntuy; yun bang makunat at medyo lumalaban pa.

At dito ko inisip, habang nakadikdik ako malapit sa kili-kili ni JS: ano nga ba ang ‘perfect day’?

Letter A: Batibot
Alam na siguro ng lahat kung ano to- maganda ang araw, walang pasok sa eskwela o sa opisina kaya pwedeng maglakwatsa.

O kaya ito yung isusuot mo ang bago mong damit, susuklayin mo ang napakaganda mong buhok (Read: walang tutsang, walang fly away walang balakubak, maganda ang gupit- wala kang napatay na parlorista!).

Kekendeng-kendeng ka pag labas ng bahay, sumisipol pa siguro o pumipitik-pitik kung marunong ka. May mapupulot kang isang daang piso, may lumilingon pag daan mo, pag kaway ng kamay mo may titigil na taxi (Read: may pambayad ka sa taxi), at lahat ng ka-OAan mangyayari sa araw mo.

Letter B: An Affair to Remember
Eto yung buhay ko nung mga 1993/94 (sabi nang mahina ko sa Math e). Gigising ka sa umaga at una mong maiisip ay: “Shet, ngayon kami magkikita”. Halos hindi mo malaman kung sa balat ba o sa buto mo ang nanlalamig, ang sikmura mo parang hinukay ng sepulturero, at ang paa mo hindi nakasayad sa lupa. Utak mo lang ang sumasayad kasi magkikita kayo.

Kapag nasa malayo ang mahal mo, kapag hindi ka sigurado kung mahal ka nga nya, kapag BAWAL kayong magkita… para sa yo ang ‘perfect day’ na ito.

Letter C: Tuwing Umuulan at Kapiling Ka
Eksena ko to kanina kaya pwedeng basahin na lang sa taas.

May children’s version ako nito, at ito ang paborito ko - yung bang walang pasok, tulog ka lang hanggang gusto mo, pwede ka ring humila ng komiks sa ilalim ng kumot, tapos papasok nanay mo sa kwarto mo (walang katok-katok, hindi naman dati uso yun e!), bubulong sya…. “Anak, baba na, nagluto ako ng ginatan.”

At kanta rin ito. Marami na ngang kumanta nito, pati kaibigan ko sa videoke, paborito to. Nahihiya lang akong aminin pero sige na nga- gusto ko rin to.

Gusto ko ang ulan e. Parang napaka-dalisay ng tubig na pumapatak galing sa langit. Masarap tumakbo at magpakabasa sa ulan, tumili kapag kumukulog, makipaghalikan habang nangangatog sa ginaw. Parang kapag umuulan may sariling musika ang paligid mo at pwede kang makikanta o sumayaw, o kaya ay humalukipkip sa paborito mong unan o kahit ano pa man ang gusto mong yakapin.

Pero dati yun. Ngayon hindi na.

The Clearing

It’s going to be a beautiful day.

For I can’t remember how long ago, the thought never came to my mind. But for today, just for today, I found myself thinking about it. I took my coffee to my favorite table, laid down my mobile phones and started writing… again.

It’s not as if I haven’t been writing these past weeks. I’ve just finished a lengthy report narrating everything that has happened in the past year and four months. I tried to be as objective as I possibly can, pointing out the good and bad side of how things were done regarding my project. This includes pointing my finger to myself; quite a difficult thing to do, but in the spirit of looking forward to better ways of doing things I did it. Of course, if I found the courage to blame myself I took other people to go down with me. Wicked. And satisfied.

I’ve ranted quite a few times about writing for other people and not for myself. That particular report, I must admit, was for both. Assessment is something I personally enjoy. It’s probably a force of habit from past jobs that require a thorough plan, and quite a hard habit to break. It’s also something that I believe is what others call good practice- a process that should be reiterative because it supposedly brings about better things, other than it makes you feel good.

In the next few days, I will still be writing reports. I have, so far, a couple due tomorrow. I’m not really sure if I can pull it, but tomorrow is not today so who knows? In between I read books. It can be a bit crazy when you read a couple of chapters from Coelho and a few short chapters from Greene. It’s like gulping down a B52 and bottle of beer. A dinner at Serendra and Twilight at Gateway didn’t escape me. That, plus a couple of dates more by Friday, should be enough to wear me down until weekend. Arghhh… I’m dying to visit the spa.

I’m posting this just for the sake of talking to myself, which is exactly what blogging is for me. In the past weeks I sort of managed to just talk to myself in the mirror each morning, ending up in wearing outfits I haven’t tried for awhile. Not bad. The mundane exercise has earned me praises, which makes me feel better about myself, which in turn make more productive feeling compelled to match beauty with brains.

It’s a quiet morning. It’s just me, my coffee, a family of cats, my Honey, the sound of my neighbor’s fountain- my thoughts. Alone.

To Be Kind To Oneself

Truth is truth, and truth is never as kind as we want it to be. So here it is: I am evil to others as I am evil to myself. If I wish to be kind to myself, should I also be kind to others?

I searched the net for “to be kind to yourself”, hoping to understand what it really means. All I really found was a definition of kindness (as the quality or state of being warm-hearted, considerate, humane and sympathetic) and endless lists of what to dos to be kind to yourself. Mostly, these proposed actions are actually on “loving yourself” and its logic is always on loving yourself so you can love others.

How spiritual.

I needed to find something more selfish- no others, just my SELF.

While it is so true that satisfying others is a means to satisfy oneself, I firmly believe that most people are just too shy to admit to being interested only in the self and not to others; that real happiness is about the self and not anyone else. So when I say I decided to be kind to myself, I mean ME and no one else.

I decided to be kind to myself.

As I put together the different lists, I found myself marking everything- check. Problem is the lists were about loving oneself. And of course, I love myself (I don’t need a checklist to know this).

So what do I mean by being kind to myself? I mean this: that I want to live for the moment. I want to assure myself that I have been good, I have done well, and I can trust that regardless of the downs my life will pick up as it should.

I don’t need to be scared of what will and what will not happen in a future I do not see. I don’t have to be struggling for a past I cannot change. I don’t need to be angry at anyone who cannot see what I can, or to someone who can see what I cannot.

I’m leaving graduate school for now. I’m saying no to side jobs for now. I’m taking out some books I’ve always wanted to read, some films I’ve always wanted to see, some crafts I’ve put away for years. I want to work, play, and rest... like I deserve.

Until I decide to kill my self again.